This is a satire of the type of responses you sometimes hear from clients when working at an agency, and is a collaboration of some awesome people on Reddit, who request to remain anonymous. The views expressed in this post absolutely do not reflect a particular agency or client.
Hi, we’re about to launch your campaign. We just have a quick question for you. What time is it on your office wall clock?
Client 1: I’ll just get back to you on that one. I need to run this past some people.
*Three days later*
Client 1: We can tell you the hours and seconds but the minute guy is on annual leave till Wednesday.
Client 2: Why do you want to know what time it is on our office wall clock? Can you write-up a proposal explaining exactly why you need this?
Client 3: The TIM-EE? Is that how it’s pronounced. We pay you to tell us what time it is on our office wall clock. We’re not here for technical information like that.
Client 4: Yes, I’m the in-house time reader. It’s Tuesday O’Clock in 1964.
Client 5: I’m sorry but knowing the time on our wall clock is a trade secret upon which the success of our business depends on. We can’t share that information.
Client 6: You asked us what the time was last year. Can’t you just use the information we provided then?
Client 7: You’ll have to ask our time keeping agency for us. They manage that for us.
Time Keeping Agency: Yeah, answering that question would need us to develop a backend time reporting system with API and I don’t think our client has the budget for that. We can do it as an ad hoc job this one time but it will cost $15,000 for us to do it.
Client 8: We’ll ask our time keeping agency for you. Let us get back to you.
Time Keeping Agency: They’re trying to con you. Nobody needs to know that anymore. In their request for the Time, they forgot to capitalize the letter T because everyone knows that it’s “the Time”. This is a serious sign of incompetence so I’d recommend switching your services to us.
Client 8: Hi, can you explain to us why you forgot to capitalize the letter T in your last email to us?
Client 9: *cups hand over receiver* “Hey, Mike – someone here’s asking where the cinema is”
Client 10: We actually have two clocks, but they’re both showing different times. Which one would you like?
Client 11: Which wall?
Client 12: Yeah I don’t think you need that information so I’m not going to tell you.
Client 13: Sure – do you want it in digital or analogue?
Client 14: I shouldn’t be having to come to you with the time on our clock. That’s for you to bring to us.
Client 15: We got our new intern to do this instead.
Top 3 Ways To Read Your Office Wall Clock By Client 15’s Intern
- You should read the time on your office wall clock.
An important thing about reading the time on your office wall clock is to read the time on your office wall clock. This can be accomplished through reading the time on your wall clock.
Your eyes need to be open.
Reading your office wall clock can only be accomplished with at least one eye open.
Clocks tell the time.
Clocks tell the time but only if you read the time on your office wall clock.
Hope you enjoyed this guide. Next we’ll be doing a recipe for pancakes! Please share this on Facebook!
Client 16: It’s not a good time right now. Probably.
Client 17: Yes.
Client 18: Hmm. That’s not important to us right now.
Client 19: The time on our office wall clock is an award-winning time. Client 45 are thought leaders in delivering accuracy in time on our office wall clocks. Our commitment to excellence in time on our office wall clocks is unrivalled. Buy time reading on office clocks from Client 45 today!
And here is a link to a case study which will make you doubt we understand what “case study” means because it’s basically 5 paragraphs saying WE ARE AMAZING and a testimonial from someone who is friends with a director.
Client 20: I’m afraid our clock reader is on maternity leave. No one else in the office can tell the time.
Client 21: If it was up to me I’d tell you straight away. Unfortunately it isn’t.
Client 22: We’re trying to move away from reading the time. That’s something we used to do but that’s not where we want to be.
Client 23: Hmm. that’s a big ask. Let me come back to you by end of play.
Client 24: I go for lunch at 12 and that’s in five minutes, so i’m afraid I don’t have the time to tell you.
Client 25: Is this a wind-up?←slapstick
Client 26: Our in-house time consultant’s explained that you don’t need to know the time and they’ve assured us that they’re far more knowledgeable about time on wall clo
cks than you are.
Client 27: When you need to know the time, we’ll tell you.
Client 28: There’s a clock?
Client 29: I’d be nervous about telling you, to be perfectly honest. It’d be the thin end of the wedge.
Client 30: We don’t have the login details for the wall clock anymore.
Client 31: We don’t think that time is on-brand. Can we use kittens instead?
Client 32: Oh, we don’t have a clock on our wall. We do have a clock, but not one that is on a wall. I will have to check with one of our other agency partners, which provides our “clock on a wall” services.
Client 33: I’ve just taken over as senior clock reader and my predecessor didn’t leave any notes. We should schedule a meeting with 7 people from my company and no less than 5 from yours to discuss this. Can you do next Thursday?
Client 34: You’ll need to send us an email explaining how to tell the time and any other background we need.
Client 34’s LinkedIn skills: Advanced Time Reading, Clock Forecasting, CFR (Clock Face Reading) Consulting, TXO
Client 35: You don’t need to worry about it. I think the plan is for us to tell OURSELVES the time on the wall clock. We’ll handle that part. Just we won’t get around to doing it for a while and we won’t tell you when.
Client 36: The time is the indefinite continued presence of existence and events in the past, present and future regarded as a whole. Hope that helps.
Client 37: There’s a picture of our office wall clock on our About Us webpage of the website we haven’t updated in 3 years. If you squint, you’ll be able to read it. We’re very busy. Stop asking us for obvious information.
Client 38: I’ve got 20 years experience in time reading and I can tell you that sundials are far more effective. Don’t you think we should be using sundials dials?
Sorry none of us here know how to tell the time. You’ll have to continue without this.
Global Organic Clock Reading Strategy Director
Client 40: We think that telling you the time is a bit risky. Our research shows that Hitler had a wall clock and occasionally told people the time. We think that our brand may become associated with Hitler if we tell you the time.
Client 41: We spoke to your Business Development Director who assured us that the time on office wall clock would be anything we wanted it to be.
Client 42: As part of our rebranding, we decided to have 4 days per 24 hours so we look more vibrant. It’s 12:46 but make sure you use those exact colors. You’ll need to make sure the 1s are lowercase and you need to replace the 6s with “b” but rotated 30 degrees clockwise and followed by an exclamation mark so it looks whimsical.
Actually it’s better if you read our 200 page branding guidelines and get this signed off by our Creative Director to make sure it’s not diluting our corporate message.
Account Manager For Client 43: Hang on, I can’t send this to Client 43. Client 43 is a lovely girl but she’s completely crazy. I’ve got her on Facebook and she posts the funniest stuff. You’re going to have to simplify it – like “building in which you work” instead of office.
Other Account Manager: Is Client 43 the blonde one? My housemate used to go out with her before I moved in. She has the most Photoshopped Facebook profile pic I’ve ever seen. Looks nothing like that in real life.
Another Account Manager: Send me a link to her profile.
*Group of men crowd around Other Account Manager’s laptop*
Client 44: Yep. It’s 4:32. No problemo.
[ten minutes later, phone rings] Sorry – scrub that – it’s 4:42.
Feel free to add your own client “responses” in the comment below.